Life is punctuated by a myriad changes. These changes aren't good or bad, most of the time, they simply are. Joy and sorrow, anger and peacefulness, they all add to the rich variety of the experiences of life. We grow richer and wiser than before with each moment, though our wisdom is only truly grasped if we realize experience for what it is.

Pain is such an efficient teacher. I believe I've said that before. You do or are done something that causes you to experience pain and in response to that pain, you opt to do or not do something in order to avoid harm to yourself or someone you care about. It's unavoidable to go through life without experiencing pain and learning its lessons.

I have a tendency to place a great deal of guilt and undue responsibility on myself when something happens, even if I did my best to prevent it so. It was how I was raised, after all: be part of the solution, not the problem; be the mature one; accept your shortcomings and better yourself that way.

This, of course, leads to some complications. I accept the blame even if it -wasn't- my fault. I've let myself be dogged and belittled a lot by situation and individual-based circumstances. The past few months, I have felt battered and broken, helpless and defeated.

To that, I decided I should revisit the dusty crannies of my DA page and just let loose. It's not like anyone gives a damn about this tiny corner of the internet anyway, so why the hell not?

Guild: It is your fault. Your. Damn. Fault. That we failed. YOU did not have the balls to confront your own problems. Instead, you brought your shit to my doorstep and cried out "DEAL WITH IT, GM!! DEAL WITH IT!!" I tried everything in my power, from creating events to re-formatting the entire goddamn empirical formula of the guild's story concepts and you didn't have shit to say in that regard. You were bored. Worse, actually: you showed zero intent on cooperating with me at all, instead opting to get everything slapped on your laps and spoon-fed to your shit-spewing mouths. Even more outrageous, some of you left early, crippling our chances of rebuilding. Tell me, do disaster victims just up and abandon their homes, then come back after OTHER people have broken their backs and endured the trauma of seeing their devastated homes in ruins? No, you dicks. You stick around and you fight to rebuild that which was your home, your friends, and your family. THOSE assholes in particular I am dashing off my goddamn friends list. Permanently.

Ah, yes, and then there was that clusterfuck. Some of you made a villain of me in that ordeal, and for no just reason other than I was an easy target. How about YOU step in and try to be a guild leader? How about you try and see how you react with being stuck with Shitty Decision #1 and Shitty Decision #2? No, seriously, if you can SOMEHOW disarm and pacify a situation where every self-interested asshole wants it their way or the highway rather than rationally understanding the situation and realizing that something has to be done, I will personally visit your home and give you a fucking gold medal. Hell, I'll personally climb up as far as the society will allow JUST so I can have the weight and influence to say "this person right here is a big goddamn hero".

Only problem is that's a pitiful scenario that will never happen. Sacrifices are made for the greater good. You people had your heads stuck so far up your own asses you couldn't see, smell, or hear anything other than what came out of your butthurt intestinal tracts. It is, quite frankly, disgusting.

Some of you wanted to be the central point of the whole thing. "My character isn't getting enough spotlight". You know, you egotistical prick, if you stop focusing on yourself and pelvic thrusting your junk in our faces all the time trying to be all epic and shit, your character might just shine a little harder and get noticed instead of making us all facepalm with aggrieved annoyance. Grow the hell up.

I will give credit where credit is due. The times we spent were wonderful. I saw it thrive, rise, and be alive. I remember how proud I was of the guild. We'd done everything right. We had a story, a solid friendship... we had everything. I will cherish those memories. I won't let them be poisoned. Despite what all has happened, I will hold them dear to me.

But make no mistake. I won't do what I used to, just forgive without being asked forgiveness. No, if you want my pardon, you will do as I did and press your head to the dirt-covered ground and -beg- for my favor. It's your turn to show the goddamn humility, devotion, trust, and love I showed you.

No more freebies. Now you'll have to earn your trust, strive and sweat for that devotion, bleed or that love, and pay for that humility with the same weight in tears.






And now, you.

If you are reading this, I so hope you understand I mean -you-, because only -you- and one other could know what I am talking about.

You evil, sociopathic, disgusting, revolting waste of time and space, you disgrace to the human race.

All that we ever did - every moment of joy, every smile, every joke, every story we shared, every game we played - was a lie, wasn't it? A ploy to appease me as you went about your business, reaping some entertainment as you droned on through your hollow, meaningless existence.

I realized on that day, when you ranted and raved about all the reasons we shouldn't be friends, that you really... didn't care. You didn't care about trust or friendship or supporting each other. All you cared about was being fucking entertained. I was your -tool-. When I shared my problems, you called me burdensome. When I was tired and needed rest, you goaded and guilted me into staying awake. When I wanted to do other things, you accused me of having no interest in you. You made yourself one of the greatest priorities in my life. When I realized I meant nothing to you, though, I grew apathetic. I stopped giving a damn what you thought. I slowly turned my attention away from you. You weren't worth it.

And if I wasn't your tool, if you well and truly DID act the way you would, then you were a pathetic friend instead of a manipulative fiend. All that time spent together and you did not understand me, not one bit, even when I extended my understanding to you. I -trusted- you. I -worked- to make you a part o my life. You did not really show me the same courtesy. Not really. You were apathetic. Worse than apathetic, you were -mocking-. Do you have even a fucking smidgeon of a clue how much it fucking hurts to see something you love crumble before you?! No... not when it's someone else. When it's someone else, you are only concerned about how it affects you, and when I grew depressed, you grew jaded because it meant I wouldn't juggle fucking chainsaws for your amusement. You would turn my grief into something about you: "Have you thought about how I feel? Have you considered how you're hurting me?"

Screw. You. You goddamn hypocrite. You make fun of your friends' countries, but God forbid I say even he slightest joke about the United States. You are a jingoist, racist, smug, arrogant, egotistical bitch and you KNOW it, but you deny it. And you are so -vain- as to think that I'd seriously consider going after you despite the fact that I knew you clearly had a boyfriend, despite how much you saw I was faithful and respectful toward our relationship and, really, that of any person I was friends with? I wonder who lost faith in who first: me or you. I'm betting you, you weak, spineless snake. Did you know that I would sometimes apologize just so we could be friends and move on, because I valued your friendship so goddamn much? The two times you apologized to me wasn't out of genuine affection. It was because you were -bored-, you shallow, disgraceful whore. You said it yourself: "I miss our RP." That was the only real reason you ever presented to me.

And because I cannot trust that any of it was real, because of how you left off, just turning your back on me, you have defiled and rotted away any love I had for you. The amount of hatred I have for you is immense. You manipulated me, broke me down, used me for your gain, then tossed me aside like common trash.

You know, you told me you wanted to excel not to prove to other people but to prove you were good enough to yourself. You didn't care about the opinion of others, never mind you couldn't take ANY criticism whatsoever. You got so goddamn defensive... hah! Why's that? Do you think these lesser minds, these lower-born, uneducated masses of inferior genetic material have no right to tell your snooty college-grad ass that you're not doing something right? You would so call me condescending, but here's something curious about doing that: much like someone saying they are more humble than another makes you look like an arrogant jackass, calling someone condescending makes yourself seem condescending in turn. It's a paradox. Isn't that just -dandy-?

I HATE you... more than I have ever hated anyone in my life. I hate you so goddamn much that it is -palpable-. I can -taste- the bile of hatred, feel my blood boiling in my chest at the mere -mention- of your name. I would watch as each and every one of the people you -do- love came to distrust you and hate you as I do and turn their backs on you. I would watch you crumble on the ground in despair and weep bitter tears... and I would smile because for the first time in ever I would know you had savored just a hint of the misery you inflicted upon me.

You will suffer. Believe me, everyone's actions come back to haunt them.

You will end up alone.

I will be avenged. Maybe I'll never know if I was or wasn't.

But someday, I -will- be, and when I am, you will BEG to God in heaven to forgive you and you will only be replied with the wispy echoes of karma whispering... "You got your just desserts, bitch."

So, kids, what did I learn from this? Oddly enough, to consider myself more in life's dealings, to ask the question "how am I affected by this?" with greater frequency. Ironic, isn't it, that I rant about one person's selfishness, yet learn to be a bit more selfish myself?

I won't ever let anyone use me again. I will be slow to trust and slow to grow attached. I will not give someone as thoughtless and impudent that much importance in my life ever again. This, life has taught me. This way, I enrich my life.